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  • 20 Things Not to Say to a Mother of an Autistic Child (and Why They’re Offensive)

    1. “He doesn’t look autistic.”
      • Autism is an invisible disability, and no one “looks” autistic. This comment dismisses the complexity of the condition, implying it’s something you can visually recognise.
    2. “He’ll grow out of it.”
      • Autism is a lifelong condition. Suggesting that a child can “outgrow” it diminishes the challenges and experiences they face and discredits the support they need.
    3. “Have you tried disciplining him better?”
      • This suggests that autism is a result of bad parenting or lack of discipline, which is untrue and hurtful.
    4. “It’s probably just a phase.”
      • Autism is not a phase; it’s a neurodevelopmental condition. Saying this implies the parent is overreacting to something temporary.
    5. “Everyone is a little autistic these days.”
      • While traits of autism can appear in neurotypical people, autism itself is a unique, often misunderstood condition that impacts daily life profoundly. This trivialises the struggles of autistic individuals and their families.
    6. “What caused it?”
      • This can be intrusive and assumes there’s a clear cause, which isn’t always known. It places unnecessary pressure on the parent to explain something beyond their control.
    7. “He’s so high-functioning, though!”
      • Functioning labels are harmful because they reduce a child’s experience to what someone else can see. Just because a child may appear capable in one setting doesn’t mean they don’t face significant challenges elsewhere.
    8. “He just needs to socialize more.”
      • Social difficulties are part of autism, and forcing a child into uncomfortable social situations can cause distress. This remark suggests that autism is simply a result of shyness or isolation, which is inaccurate.
    9. “I could never do what you do.”
      • While this may seem like a compliment, it can come off as condescending, as though the child’s challenges are insurmountable, and the parent is being praised for “dealing” with them.
    10. “At least he’s good at something.”
      • This reduces the child’s entire being to a talent or ability, ignoring their individuality and challenges. Autism doesn’t always come with savant abilities, and comments like this can diminish the child’s struggles.
    11. “Don’t worry, he’ll catch up.”
      • Autistic children don’t need to “catch up” to anyone. This comment implies that they’re behind, reinforcing societal expectations that don’t apply to every child.
    12. “Have you tried insert diet/supplement?”
      • Suggesting that a diet change or supplement can cure autism is insensitive and uninformed. Parents often hear this from well-meaning people, but it implies that autism is something to be fixed.
    13. “Boys are just slower to develop.”
      • Autism is not a developmental delay—it’s a different developmental pathway altogether. This statement dismisses the parent’s experience and understanding of their child’s needs.
    14. “It’s because of vaccines, isn’t it?”
      • The vaccine-autism myth has been widely debunked. Suggesting this links a mother’s choices to their child’s condition, which can feel accusatory and deeply upsetting.
    15. “He must be really smart in some way.”
      • This perpetuates the stereotype that all autistic individuals are savants. While some may have special talents, not all do. This comment can feel like a backhanded compliment, reducing the child’s identity to a stereotype.
    16. “God only gives special children to special parents.”
      • Though intended to be comforting, this can make a parent feel isolated, as though they’re being put on a pedestal for enduring challenges they didn’t choose.
    17. “Maybe if you spent more time with him, he’d improve.”
      • This implies that a lack of parental attention is to blame for the child’s difficulties. Autism is a complex neurological condition, not something that can be “fixed” with more parent-child time.
    18. “It’s just an excuse for bad behavior.”
      • This is extremely hurtful. Autistic children often behave differently because of sensory overload or difficulty communicating, not because they’re poorly behaved.
    19. “I heard autism is overdiagnosed.”
      • This minimizes the real struggles of autistic individuals and suggests that the parent’s experience isn’t valid.
    20. “I’m sorry.”
      • There’s no need to feel sorry for an autistic child or their family. Autism isn’t a tragedy; it’s just a different way of experiencing the world. Instead of pity, families need understanding, inclusion, and support.

    Each of these statements can be insensitive because they either dismiss the challenges that come with raising an autistic child or imply that the parent or child is somehow “wrong” for their experiences. Instead, it’s more supportive to listen, offer understanding, and recognize the child as a unique individual with their own strengths and challenges.

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  • Celebrating Mental Health Day: A Call for Compassion and Care

    Mental health is an essential aspect of our overall well-being, yet it is often misunderstood and stigmatized in society. As we celebrate Mental Health Day, let’s take a moment to understand what mental health truly is, why it’s important, and how we can all contribute to a world that values mental well-being just as much as physical health.

    What is Mental Health?

    Mental health refers to our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act, shaping the way we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices in life. Like physical health, mental health exists on a spectrum—it can be strong and resilient at times, or fragile and in need of support at others. Maintaining good mental health is crucial to leading a fulfilling life, and it requires intentional care and attention.

    Taking Care of Mental Health

    Just as we exercise and eat well to maintain our physical health, we must practice habits that support our mental well-being. Some ways to take care of mental health include:

    • Regular exercise: Physical activity releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.
    • Balanced diet: Nourishing your body with healthy foods supports brain function and emotional stability.
    • Adequate sleep: Sleep plays a vital role in restoring and refreshing the mind.
    • Mindfulness and relaxation: Techniques like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help reduce stress.
    • Social connections: Building and maintaining supportive relationships is essential for emotional health.
    • Seeking help when needed: Reaching out to a therapist or counsellor can provide the tools and guidance to navigate difficult times.

    Types of Mental Health Issues

    Mental health conditions come in many forms, each affecting people in different ways. Some of the most common include:

    • Anxiety disorders: Characterised by excessive fear, worry, and nervousness, anxiety can interfere with daily activities.
    • Depression: A mood disorder marked by prolonged feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in activities.
    • Bipolar disorder: Causes extreme mood swings, including emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).
    • Schizophrenia: A severe mental disorder affecting thinking, perception, and behavior, often involving hallucinations or delusions.
    • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): A condition triggered by experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event.
    • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Involves unwanted, repetitive thoughts and behaviours that individuals feel compelled to perform.

    The Stigma of Mental Health in Society

    Despite the prevalence of mental health issues, there remains a significant societal stigma attached to them. This stigma is often fueled by misinformation, fear, and a lack of understanding, leading to discrimination, isolation, and shame for those affected. People with mental health conditions are sometimes viewed as “weak” or “dangerous,” which discourages them from seeking help and exacerbates their struggles.

    Cultural Perceptions of Mental Health

    Perceptions of mental health vary across cultures, with unique stigmas, support systems, and treatments.

    In African cultures, mental health is often viewed through a lens of spirituality. Mental illness may be attributed to curses, witchcraft, or ancestral displeasure. Due to these beliefs, people with mental health conditions may face extreme stigma and be excluded from their communities. While traditional healers play a role in treatment, access to modern mental health care is limited in many African countries. However, there are growing efforts to integrate mental health services into primary care systems and raise awareness about the scientific understanding of mental health.

    In Asian cultures, mental health is often a taboo subject, with a strong emphasis on maintaining “face” and honour within the family and community. This leads to a reluctance to acknowledge mental health struggles, as they are seen as signs of personal or familial failure. In some cases, mental illness is concealed, and those affected may not receive the support they need. However, in recent years, there has been a shift in certain Asian societies, with more people advocating for open conversations about mental health and access to professional help.

    In Western cultures, mental health is increasingly recognised as a vital component of overall health, with a focus on therapy, medication, and community support. While stigma still exists, especially around severe mental health conditions, there is a growing movement toward normalizing mental health care. Public campaigns, mental health education, and increased access to services have helped to reduce some of the stigma and provide more comprehensive treatment options. However, disparities in access to mental health care, particularly for marginalized communities, remain a significant issue.

    Stigmatization, Support, and Treatment Across Cultures

    Across all cultures, stigma remains a barrier to mental health care. Whether it’s the fear of being ostracized or a lack of understanding, stigma prevents many from seeking help. However, support systems and treatment methods are evolving globally. Traditional beliefs are being challenged, and mental health advocates are working tirelessly to promote understanding and compassion. In many countries, there is a growing recognition of the need for mental health education, awareness campaigns, and government policies that prioritize mental health care.

    Ways to Improve Mental Health

    As individuals and as a society, there are many ways we can improve mental health:

    • Open conversations: Normalize discussions around mental health to reduce stigma and encourage seeking help.
    • Support networks: Build strong support systems, including family, friends, and mental health professionals.
    • Access to care: Advocate for affordable and accessible mental health services for everyone, regardless of their background or location.
    • Education: Promote mental health education in schools, workplaces, and communities to foster early intervention and prevention.
    • Self-care: Prioritize self-care practices that nurture mental health, such as mindfulness, relaxation, and positive social interactions.

    A Call to Action

    On this Mental Health Day, I urge you to take a step toward kindness and compassion. Befriend and support at least one person struggling with mental health issues. Whether it’s offering a listening ear, checking in regularly, or simply being present, your support can make a world of difference. Let us all commit to being kinder to one another, not just today, but every day. Let’s break the silence around mental health, challenge the stigma, and create a culture of understanding and empathy.

    Remember, your mental health is just as important as your physical health—don’t take it for granted. Take care of yourself, and be there for others. Together, we can create a world where mental health is celebrated, understood, and supported.

    Email folu@thisisfolu.uk to discuss how my charity (Instagram @autismtreatmentsi ) can help if you need to talk about mental health issues. I found Lifewave Patches very useful for maintaining good mental health. Visit https://stemcellactivatepatches.com to read more about Lifewave stem cell patches.

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  • Polygamy in Africa: Origins, Family Dynamics, and Societal Impact

    Polygamy, a practice deeply embedded in many African cultures, has existed for centuries, long before the introduction of colonial rule and the spread of Western norms. Its origins are often tied to agricultural and pastoral societies where large families were seen as an economic asset. Men, particularly those with wealth or status, would marry multiple wives to increase the labor force for farming, herd tending, and household chores, while also ensuring the continuation of family lineage.

    While polygamy has historical roots and was seen as beneficial in sustaining communities, the modern implications of such arrangements are much more complex. Having multiple wives within one household brings a host of challenges that affect not only the wives but also the children born into such marriages.

    Family Dynamics: Benefits and Issues

    In a polygamous household, the husband is tasked with providing for multiple families, which can become a struggle, especially in economic downturns. The wives may bond over shared responsibilities or become rivals, vying for the husband’s time, resources, and affection. This rivalry can breed tension, jealousy, and competition, which may strain relationships between wives, children, and the husband.

    Some families, despite these challenges, thrive in polygamous setups. The shared burden of housework and childcare can create a support system, especially in rural areas where communal living and shared responsibilities are normalized. However, in many cases, the downsides outweigh these benefits.

    Effects on Children: Hustling for Survival

    Children in polygamous families often experience intense competition for basic necessities such as food, clothing, education, and affection from their father. With a limited amount of resources to go around, children may feel neglected and have to grow up quickly, learning to fend for themselves at an early age. Many children in such households become “hustlers” out of necessity—working odd jobs, begging, or engaging in petty trade to help their mothers support the family.

    Moreover, in their constant quest for the father’s approval or attention, children may develop deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. This competition can leave lasting emotional scars, making them distrustful or overly competitive as they transition into adulthood.

    Impact on Wives: Rivalry and Diabolical Means

    The intense competition between wives for their husband’s favor can lead to extreme measures. In some unfortunate cases, wives resort to diabolical practices, including witchcraft or spiritual manipulation, to gain the upper hand in securing their husband’s affection or financial support. Some even harm their stepchildren out of jealousy or a desire to ensure that their own children have a better chance of receiving more resources.

    This toxic environment not only disrupts the household but also affects the emotional and mental well-being of all involved. The constant stress, fear, and competition take a toll, leaving many women in such marriages feeling isolated and anxious.

    Long-term Effects on Adults Raised in Polygamous Families

    Adults raised in polygamous households often carry the emotional baggage of their childhood experiences. The lack of emotional stability, constant competition, and potential neglect can lead to trust issues, relationship problems, or a deep-rooted fear of commitment. Many grow up with a skewed sense of family dynamics, often struggling to form healthy, monogamous relationships of their own. In worst-case scenarios, the cycle of polygamy continues as these individuals seek to replicate what they have known, perpetuating the struggles of their upbringing.

    Impact on Society: Polygamy vs. Monogamy

    On a societal level, polygamy can contribute to social stratification and inequality. Wealthier men are able to afford multiple wives and larger families, while poorer men may struggle to marry at all. This creates an imbalance in the population, potentially leading to social unrest or tensions within communities. Furthermore, the large number of children in polygamous families, often with limited resources, can strain societal systems like education, healthcare, and social services.

    In contrast, monogamy, which is more common in the Western world, tends to promote more nuclear family structures. With a single wife and fewer children, there is often more focus on individual development, emotional stability, and financial planning. Monogamous relationships tend to distribute resources more evenly within the family unit, providing a more secure environment for children to grow up in.

    While monogamy is not without its challenges, such as divorce or emotional distance between spouses, it generally provides a more balanced foundation for societal stability. In Western societies, where monogamy is the norm, individuals are less likely to feel the intense competition for resources and affection that is so common in polygamous families.

    The Debate: Polygamy vs. Monogamy

    Polygamy and monogamy each have their own unique sets of advantages and challenges. Polygamy can offer a large support system within the family and foster a strong sense of community, especially in rural areas where manual labor is necessary. However, the emotional, financial, and psychological strain on the family members often outweighs these benefits.

    Monogamy, on the other hand, encourages emotional intimacy and provides more stability for both partners and their children. It allows for greater financial security and focused parental attention, contributing to the overall well-being of the family. While monogamy is not without its problems—such as infidelity or lack of emotional fulfillment—it often results in healthier family dynamics compared to polygamous marriages.

    Conclusion: Which is Better?

    In the end, the choice between polygamy and monogamy depends on cultural values, economic circumstances, and individual preferences. However, in a modern context, where emotional stability, financial security, and individual well-being are increasingly valued, monogamy seems to offer more long-term benefits for families and society as a whole. While polygamy may still hold cultural significance in some African societies, the evolving social and economic landscape suggests that monogamy might provide a more sustainable path forward.

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  • A Journey of Resilience and Triumph: Celebrating My Son’s Graduation

    • My son and I on his graduation day!

    From the moment my son was diagnosed with ADHD at an early age, my world tilted on its axis. Having already navigated the complex world of autism with my eldest son, this new diagnosis left me confused and scared. I felt like I was starting from scratch, yet again, in a world that often felt unsympathetic and bewildering.

    Determined to find natural ways to help my son, I embarked on a journey of dietary changes and homemade meals. Our days were filled with the aroma of freshly baked gluten-free bread and homemade cakes. I eliminated fizzy drinks and biscuits from his diet, focusing instead on nourishing, wholesome foods. Slowly but surely, we began to see improvements. His concentration and behavior started to show signs of positive change, giving us a glimmer of hope.

    Starting school, however, was a different challenge altogether. My second son was already attending an independent school, so I hoped they would consider my younger son as well. Unfortunately, the first day turned into a nightmare. As soon as they learned about my eldest son’s autism, they suggested a special school for my younger son. It was a heart-wrenching moment.

    Desperate and determined, I decided to homeschool him. Balancing this with my tech job and caring for my three children with different needs was overwhelming. My days blurred into a whirlwind of teaching, working, and caring, but I knew I had to keep going. I realized that God had built me strong for this purpose.

    My second son, exceptionally bright, thrived in the independent school environment. Meanwhile, my youngest, though very clever, struggled with concentration. I delved deep into research, becoming his sole teacher. I sacrificed my social life, dedicating myself entirely to my children’s education and well-being.

    Finding the right secondary school for my son was another uphill battle. However, his outstanding scores in the 11 plus entrance exams, with 99% in Verbal Reasoning, Non-Verbal Reasoning, and Maths, opened doors. He gained admission to a boarding school where he thrived until he turned 13 and decided he no longer wanted to stay there. Once again, I homeschooled him for a year before finding a nurturing school that suited his needs.

    Despite the odds, he made remarkable progress. He wrote his GCSEs and set his sights on studying Computer Science at the same top Russell Group university as his brother. Though I had my reservations about the rigors of such a degree, my son was adamant. He begged me to believe in him, and I couldn’t refuse. I became his Maths and Computer Science tutor, spending sleepless nights in hard work and prayer.

    The day he received his acceptance letter was one of the happiest moments of my life. I cried for hours, overwhelmed with pride and relief. Dreams do come true when you believe. My son has defied the odds, earning his BSc in Computer Science, and tomorrow he graduates.

    I am in awe of his resilience and determination. To God be the glory for the great things He has done and the great things He will continue to do. Please join me in congratulating my hardworking and resilient son, who has made me incredibly proud.

    A Mother’s Gratitude

    As I look back on our journey, I am filled with gratitude. For every challenge we faced, there was a moment of triumph. For every tear shed in frustration, there was a tear of joy. This journey has taught me that with faith, hard work, and unwavering belief, dreams do come true.

    To all the parents out there navigating similar paths, remember: you are stronger than you think, and your children are capable of incredible things. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small, and never stop believing in the power of your love and dedication.

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